Why Are My Members So Ungrateful?

They’re not. They’re just tired of being ignored.

You roll out a new system that makes internal workflows smoother - but members say it’s clunky. You simplify event registration on your end - but they say it’s confusing. You invest in a platform that integrates with your CRM - but members hate the interface.

And when they complain, or disengage, or give you a three out of ten on the post-conference survey, it’s tempting to throw your hands up. You've put in so much work and they just don't appreciate it!

Why are they so annoying and ungrateful? But let’s pause. Because that might be the wrong question.

What if they’re not being difficult? What if they’re just exhausted from navigating systems that weren’t built with them in mind?

When Member Frustration Is Actually a Mirror

Here’s a hard truth many of us in the association world need to hear: We sometimes design for our own convenience, not for our members’ experience.

Not intentionally. Not maliciously. But incrementally.

We build a policy to prevent edge-case misuse. We add a step in the process to help staff manage demand. We choose a tech solution that works beautifully behind the scenes - but means members need to login twice.

It’s understandable. We’re busy. Resources are limited. Internal pressures are real.

But from the member’s perspective, it starts to feel like this place wasn’t built for them.

And that’s when the grumbling starts.

The Member Experience Misalignment Loop

We talk a lot about the importance of member-centricity. It’s in our strategies, our conference themes, our board presentations. But if we’re honest, the day-to-day reality often drifts off course. Not because we don’t care about members - but because it’s all too easy to default to what works for us.

From the inside, these decisions feel like practical choices. From the outside, they accumulate into a signal: this experience was not designed with me in mind. Here’s how the cycle tends to play out:

1. Internal Optimisation. We make a change that works better for staff, resolves edge-case misuse, or integrates nicely with existing systems. It seems efficient. Logical.

2. Experience Friction. But then a member tries to interact with it - and hits a wall. Confusing logins. Multiple systems. Unclear steps. Long waits. Hidden benefits. It's not just inconvenient - it’s discouraging.

3. Member Pushback. They stop coming. Stop renewing. Or complain - sometimes loudly, sometimes passive-aggressively. We interpret it as entitlement, impatience, or “members just not understanding.”

And often, it’s your most dedicated volunteers who are the loudest. Not because they’re difficult - but because they care deeply. They’ve invested time, energy, and identity into your mission. When the experience doesn’t reflect that same commitment, it stings. Their frustration is fuelled by passion. We interpret it as entitlement, impatience, or “members just not understanding.”

4. Defensive Response. We explain. Justify. Reframe. “They need to be more patient.” “It’s better in the long run.” “They should just call if they need help.”

And so the loop continues. Until, quietly, they leave.

How to Break the Loop

The way forward isn’t about pandering. It’s about partnership. It’s about designing with, not just for, the people you serve. It’s about recognising that trust isn’t just built on outcomes – it’s built on the experience of being considered. It's about co-creation.

When members feel like their needs were part of the design conversation from the start, they engage differently. They forgive more. They lean in. But when decisions are made behind the curtain, and the curtain never lifts, they disengage. Not because they’re grumpy, but because they feel powerless.

This shift requires humility. It requires slowing down long enough to listen – and being brave enough to change direction when what you hear doesn’t match your assumptions.

Here’s the mindset shift:

Don’t ask, “How do we get members to appreciate and use what we’ve built?”

Instead, ask, “What would we build if we were in their shoes?”

What This Looks Like in Practice

So how do we take these ideas and translate them into actual, everyday leadership decisions? It starts with shifting how we make choices - not just what we choose. Every policy, platform, and process is a chance to either remove friction or create it. Here are some practical ways to start closing the gap between your good intentions and your members’ lived experiences:

• Co-create instead of assume. Bring members into the room before decisions are made. Not just post-hoc surveys - real involvement in testing, choosing, shaping.
• Walk their path. Map out the member journey, step by step. Try signing up, registering, renewing, finding key info. Where does it feel intuitive? Where does it feel like work?
• Spot internal bias. Ask: Was this designed to make life easier for staff, or to create an easier and better experience for members? Sometimes it’s both. Often, it’s not.
• Speak in their language. If your members are on WhatsApp, but you’re sending clunky HTML emails - they’re not ignoring you. They’re just not hearing you.
• Design for trust, not just access. It’s not enough to offer a benefit. Members need to feel like the system is built to support them, not trip them up.

Quick Wins You Can Start Now

Big strategic shifts take time. But that doesn’t mean you have to wait to make progress. Small, targeted changes can build momentum, signal intent, and start repairing the trust gap right now. These aren’t silver bullets - but they’re powerful nudges in the right direction:

• Create a Member Experience Council. A small, rotating group of diverse members who test things and give honest feedback. Gold.
• Run a ‘Fix the Friction’ week. Invite staff to flag the top three processes members struggle with. Then rework them - fast.
• Do a “secret shopper” audit. Ask someone who’s not familiar with your systems to go through your member experience. Watch what trips them up.
• Re-onboard your current members. Most members don’t know what they have access to - or how to use it. Build a light-touch, re-engagement flow.
• Start measuring experience, not just activity. Don’t just track clicks or attendance. Ask: Was this easy? Did this feel like it was built for you?

A Question To Consider

It’s easy to fall into the rhythm of improvement-by-increment: tweak this, adjust that, launch a new benefit here, revise a process there. But sometimes, what’s really needed is not a tune-up - it’s a redesign. So let’s think bigger for a moment:

If you had to rebuild your member experience from scratch - Would you build it the same way?

Would your processes, platforms, touchpoints and tone all feel truly aligned with what your members actually need?

And if not - what’s stopping you from starting that change now?